When in doubt....Be Gracious

We all know that COVID-19 has proven to be a formidable adversary--causing the heartbreaking deaths of thousands, and the destruction of businesses--leaving millions unemployed.  I am one of those casualties.  After 22 years of service, I was unceremoniously released from my position. 

I’m going to step out from behind the millions for a moment, and speak very simply about - ME. Although I have so many awesome opportunities and projects in front of me, the demise of a 22-year relationship deserves some air time—certainly more than I received in the 20 minute zoom call with HR that informed me of my “elimination”.  There’s a lot I could say about the way this was handled, but that’s not important now.  There’s a lot I could say about the words “your position has been eliminated”, but that’s not important now.  There’s a lot I could say about the fact that my contribution will never be recognized or celebrated---but that’s not important now either. 

What I will say is being separated from a job, even in the best of circumstances, is to be separated from a relationship---and that can be hurtful. Much of who we are is wrapped tightly in what we do, and what we do keeps us in a comfortable place---a place we know.  Rejection, or rather, Ejection from our comfortable place launches us through all of the stages of grief; shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance.

What I will say to anyone who has lost a job, pandemic related or not, is to be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling, but don’t dwell there—and above all else, be very careful of public displays of emotion.  Anger and hurt will make you say things that can damage your currency in the professional realm, so the HR zoom call is not the place to launch into a diatribe on corporate dysfunction.  Speak calmly and take notes, as the haze of emotional may cause you to forget what is being said.   Ask for the email address to communicate any questions that you might have after the call.  Mirror what you have heard, and this might seem trite, but be Gracious.  I could feel the blood rushing to my face---but I was Gracious.  There are a millions things I could have said---but I was Gracious.  I thanked them for 22 years---a notable span of time---and a space of opportunity that I will remain eternally grateful for---and I was Gracious. I wished this wonderful, but sometimes complicated organization well—and I was Gracious.

I’ve heard it said that one gets bright light from a burning bridge.  Yes, you may get light, but you also leave debris in the water and soot in the air. When you leave the room, resist the temptation to be a flamethrower on social media and any other public space.  Remember that you now have a new brand to create and nurture---one separate and independent of your old position.

You cannot build a new structure on the embers of anger.  When you leave the room, leave a sweet fragrance behind.  Let the last memory they have of you be that you were, above all else, Gracious.

World Hijab Day

I have been away from this blog for a bit, working on school and other writing.  But I wanted to come back this year and decided that February 1 - World Hijab Day would be the perfect day.

In a world of confusion, and in the cacophony of conversation that often lacks civility, I encourage you to take a breath today and imagine yourself living in the shoes of someone outside of your cultural comfort zone. Today is World Hijab Day.  I am not Muslim, but today, I will wear Hijab.  To my sisters around the globe who wear the Hijab proudly as a symbol of modesty and personal identity---today, I am with you.  To my sisters around the globe for whom the Hijab is a tool of discrimination—today, I am with you. And to my sisters around the globe who are living under the hands of tyranny, in any form---today, I am with you.

http://worldhijabday.com

Maven’s, Moxie and Marathon’s

The East Coast has had a difficult week---an unprecedented storm with destruction that cannot yet be completely quantified wounded us. In the midst of loss of life, property, and businesses, we have also seen great acts of generosity, care, and civility from our neighbors. New York is tough--we’ve got moxie--and our resolve to rebuild from ashes will be clear in the days and weeks ahead.

This week also knew something quiet and personally sad to me in the passing of Leticia Baldrige---the once Social Secretary to the Kennedy White House, and woman known in the world of Etiquette as one of the true maven’s of good taste. I had the wonderful fortune to speak with Ms. Baldrige via conference call a few years ago during my Etiquette training at the Global Protocol Academy in Chicago. Her grace, her knowledge, and her willingness to allow us to bend her ear were such a joy, and an experience I will remember with great fondness for years to come.

I thought of her rather intently the past few days when it was made known that the City of New York would still be holding the annual Marathon----a huge undertaking that would literally have runners galloping in delight a few short miles away from people who are struggling to regain some sense of balance in their lives---some with no homes, no resources, whose singular focus is the procurement of food, water, heat and shelter. Oh yes, there were the arguments---“people travel from all over the world to run this race”—it builds the economy”. But that picture lacked civility, compassion and common sense---unless of course, you were going to send those runners into the damaged neighborhoods carrying meals for hungry people.

Yes, runners trained for months to run---and they should be congratulated for that. But at this moment I reserve my congratulations for those that finally made the right decision. Bravo to abandoning corporate and the self-centered interests of a few for something higher---civility and compassion. I think Ms. Baldrige would have said something quite nice about that---

Give This Summer the Slip----Please…..

As the summer begins, I am preparing myself for the annual onslaught of eye wounding poor taste. I am readying myself for another season of over-exposure from those who do not give thanks for Spanx; of those that do not believe that less may actually mean less; and the mathematically challenged that do not understand that 20 pounds of bosom do not fit in 15 pounds of blouse.

I do not in any way mean that one should not wear what one wants to in the heat of the summer, and I embrace the natural beauty that God created in each and every one us. However---over exposure simply isn’t elegant. So please, look in the full-length mirror before you leave home, and if you can see the color of the butterflies wings on your underwear through the garment, you are in fact a candidate for the cover of Bad Taste Magazine, so please put something else on---those of us who ride public transportation with you will be so very thankful--- trust me.

Yes, I am a relic, and I still wear slips under see-through garments---I know I am a dying breed and I intend to leave my collection of lovely lace slips to the Smithsonian. But in the meantime, let us pray the following prayer for this summer and the summers to come…

Oh Gracious Deity of all things fashionable,
We pray for the reemergence of the slip
She was lacey and lovely
--Soft and silky
She kept our confidences---that demure, lovely slip
She helped us be beautiful---she dictated a standard
She was sometimes misunderstood---sometimes exposed to the world on the outside of clothes
Called old fashioned---too constricting
But I love her---still
I love her in all her incarnations---the camisole—the half-slip—
Oh God of all things fashionable,
Please let us not have to endure one more summer of over- exposed thongs
---of skirts so thin that they leave nothing to the imagination
--of beautiful dresses that end up looking like rags without a slip
---forgive those who have trespassed against elegance
--and lead them not to further temptation
--but deliver them to feminine expression and true beauty
---Amen

To All That has Been, Thanks, To All That Shall Be, Yes

On June 15, I celebrated 13 years of service to the Riverside Church. I invited several staff members to enjoy champagne, strawberries, and exchange funny stories with me--and I can't tell you how wonderful the day felt.

Let us endeavor to celebrate ourselves and each other whenever possible, as our time here is precious and so very short.

Each of us harbors a deep desire to at some moment in time feel significant, and today, I did.

I can't tell you what the future holds for me, but I face it with a very simple, YES.

Thank You For Making Room For ME!!

I am always amazed when someone says thank you ---- not to insinuate that I am surrounded by boorish ingrates on a daily basis---but every now and then someone says thank you, and I am changed.

I take the Metro North Commuter Railroad to work each day, and I never cease to be surprised at the level of insensitivity, and outright incivility that people freely exhibit to one another during this hour-plus ride. Now for those that are not aware, Metro North is indeed a comfortable ride, and a rather expensive one. Consequently, one can expect certain niceties that do not exist on the regular subway. On Metro North you can drink alcohol openly; bring your dog (without a carrier), and enjoy the expectation of a fairly quiet ride---at least during peak hours on weekdays. One notable exception is St. Patrick’s Day, which creates an entirely different set of etiquette challenges that I will address at another time.

The one missing courtesy on the Metro North is the simple human decency in removing your belongings from the seat next to you, so that fellow commuters may sit down. Tired, bewildered riders are often left pacing the aisle seeking a friendly face that is willing to move their items to the overhead luggage rack. The impolite and etiquette challenged then pretend to be engrossed in the newspaper; feign sleep, overemphasize involvement in whatever is playing on their IPod’s, or simply ignore their fellow riders when it comes to sharing the real estate next to them.

One day recently, during my commute home, the train became a bit crowded at the station we pulled into, and the dance began---those looking for common courtesy being taunted by seats filled with briefcases, laptops, books, and pizza boxes. A visibly tired man, a man who worked in construction perhaps, walked down the aisle and finally stopped at the seat next to me, which I was in the process of quickly clearing and making available. He sat, thanked me, and we never spoke again for 40 minutes.

When we pulled into his station, he gathered his things, and before leaving he turned to me smiling and said “Miss, thank you for making room for me.” I sat there for the remainder of my ride astonished and sitting quite a bit taller. The small courtesy I extended had evoked a response so warm that it stayed with me for days---in fact, I smile every time I think about it. I now make sure the seat is cleared off next to me for every ride.

So in the days ahead, take a moment to make room for someone---on the bus, on the check-out line, in the parking lot. Yield the right of way in a conflict---You'll not only receive a smile, but you will be responsible for changing the atmosphere in your little corner of the world. Consider the ways the universe has made room for you---and live into that gratitude whenever you encounter someone less fortunate.

Make room for a weary traveler---knowing with absolute certainty, that one day, most assuredly, the weary traveler will be you.

Stay Tuned...New Posts in March 2011

Have been away a bit---but fear not!
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