It has been said that one should never be upstaged by children or dogs—and I always believed it was because we don’t want to share the entertainment value. But of late, I’ve come to believe that we adults don’t want children or dogs to steal our thunder in certain situations because they just might teach us something we really need to know.
Recently, I’ve called upon a few life lessons that I learned from a child and a dog---profound enough to share.
One of my couples decided that their lovely, professionally trained golden retriever would make a fine addition to their bridal party. As an avid animal lover, and pet Mom, I understand the gifts pets bring to our lives---so I rarely oppose the participation of a well-behaved dog in a wedding (operative words well-behaved).
My canine charge was paraded in on the wedding day as planned---with a wreath of flowers around his neck. Much to the chagrin of the couple, the wreath was a major source of irritation causing periodic pauses to vigorously scratch and the attempted removal of the offending flowers.
Life Lessons Learned:
1. No matter how highly trained we are, we have frailties and boundaries that need to be observed and respected.
2. Something well meaning and absolutely innocent --a rose, (a comment, a gesture) can reek havoc when applied to the wrong circumstance.
I learned another set of lessons from a sweet, doe-eyed ring bearer who refused to process the aisle without his stuffed bunny and its buggy. Several well meaning adults crouched down around the child and offered lengthy, logical explanations about why bunny could not be pushed down the aisle. The child was inconsolable, and with procession about to begin, my wedding volunteer and I tied two white pew bows on the buggy, threw the ring pillow on the bunny’s lap, and sent the ring bearer down the aisle.
The child was delighted---the audience was delighted---and I suspect the bunny was also delighted.
Life Lessons Learned:
1. You can always learn high-minded things from cerebral people. But sometimes, precious logic abounds in the mind and spirit of a 3-year old.
2. Life is too short, and also far too long to sweat the insignificant---so be flexible. When your plans don’t go exactly as expected, don’t waste time lamenting what could be-----put your bunny in the buggy and get down the aisle---your life is waiting!!!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
What to do when your "review" is less than stellar
Some months ago, I received an email from a friend that contained a link to a website that allows people to write reviews about goods and services they have received. My friend sent me the link because what she read was most uncharacteristic of me---and she wanted to be sure I had seen it—and of course, had the opportunity to respond. Not knowing what to expect, I logged on, and read the nastiest, wholly inaccurate, and biting account of not the clients experience with my site---but with me personally. Tears actually welled up in my eyes until I read about my reneging on promises I never made---and then I got angry.
My first inclination was to write a blistering rebuttal and vindicate myself. Fortunately, before I pressed the send button on my keyboard, I pressed the pause button in my mind and spirit. I physically stepped away from the keyboard-- I allowed my head to cool, and I asked myself “what would be gained by releasing more venom into the universe?” ---would I in fact vindicate myself, or would I fan a flame that needed to be extinguished? I chose to let the review stand, and I have never publicly commented on it---nor will I ever. I did write a full account internally for my superiors, but I chose to let the public review die on the vine. And while I have no idea what, if anything, the review has cost me relative to business, I can say that taking the high road was the better part of wisdom. My colleagues respected my response, and it afforded me the opportunity to provide thoughtful commentary and context for the conflict. I would have gladly spoken to this client one-on-one about the issues that upset her, but she opted for a public forum. And while that probably appeased her sense of what is right and helped her “get even,” it did nothing to change me, or the world we exist in---which is what conflict is---an opportunity to change and heal your small part of the world.
Life lessons learned:
I read very recently about how job offers are being withdrawn, and careers are being wounded by what people are posting online—and I’m not just talking about “Girls Gone Wild” videos, I’m talking about what we write in our blogs, say in online forums, and to each other. The internet is an amazing and powerful force---but it is also a place to be cautious, deliberate, and wise. Not everything we think or say is appropriate for online adjudication. And remember…
1. Criticism---both constructive and non-constructive, are a part of life---process it with intellect, not emotion.
2. When you are criticized, perform a self-audit and a thoughtful assessment of the circumstances---maybe this person has a valid point---find it if it exists. If you can’t find it---ask an impartial party to help you.
3. Take ownership of your role in conflict, yes, sometimes it really is YOU.
4. And this a hard one, and it may even sound trite---but before you react to a verbal attack, or a written one, press the pause button--- that means--write the email, but don’t send it, rehearse the phone call, but don’t make it, blog it but don’t post it. In the business world, wait until you have had the opportunity to plan a calm, thoughtful, concise, and professional response---use blind copying and the send to all button only if absolutely necessary.
5. Whatever you send into cyberspace belongs to the universe---be sure you don’t post things that you wouldn’t want an employer or future client to see.
And finally, when you receive painful criticism, hit the pause button, and respond with civility. No, it is not always easy---but civility ALWAYS gets a stellar review.
My first inclination was to write a blistering rebuttal and vindicate myself. Fortunately, before I pressed the send button on my keyboard, I pressed the pause button in my mind and spirit. I physically stepped away from the keyboard-- I allowed my head to cool, and I asked myself “what would be gained by releasing more venom into the universe?” ---would I in fact vindicate myself, or would I fan a flame that needed to be extinguished? I chose to let the review stand, and I have never publicly commented on it---nor will I ever. I did write a full account internally for my superiors, but I chose to let the public review die on the vine. And while I have no idea what, if anything, the review has cost me relative to business, I can say that taking the high road was the better part of wisdom. My colleagues respected my response, and it afforded me the opportunity to provide thoughtful commentary and context for the conflict. I would have gladly spoken to this client one-on-one about the issues that upset her, but she opted for a public forum. And while that probably appeased her sense of what is right and helped her “get even,” it did nothing to change me, or the world we exist in---which is what conflict is---an opportunity to change and heal your small part of the world.
Life lessons learned:
I read very recently about how job offers are being withdrawn, and careers are being wounded by what people are posting online—and I’m not just talking about “Girls Gone Wild” videos, I’m talking about what we write in our blogs, say in online forums, and to each other. The internet is an amazing and powerful force---but it is also a place to be cautious, deliberate, and wise. Not everything we think or say is appropriate for online adjudication. And remember…
1. Criticism---both constructive and non-constructive, are a part of life---process it with intellect, not emotion.
2. When you are criticized, perform a self-audit and a thoughtful assessment of the circumstances---maybe this person has a valid point---find it if it exists. If you can’t find it---ask an impartial party to help you.
3. Take ownership of your role in conflict, yes, sometimes it really is YOU.
4. And this a hard one, and it may even sound trite---but before you react to a verbal attack, or a written one, press the pause button--- that means--write the email, but don’t send it, rehearse the phone call, but don’t make it, blog it but don’t post it. In the business world, wait until you have had the opportunity to plan a calm, thoughtful, concise, and professional response---use blind copying and the send to all button only if absolutely necessary.
5. Whatever you send into cyberspace belongs to the universe---be sure you don’t post things that you wouldn’t want an employer or future client to see.
And finally, when you receive painful criticism, hit the pause button, and respond with civility. No, it is not always easy---but civility ALWAYS gets a stellar review.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
It's Just Entertainment Folks
Ladies and gentlemen, it is wedding season once again. Weddings are truly wonderful, magical events--- replete with beautiful things to feast all five senses on---gowns, scenery, flowers, music and food---and we love to watch them. In fact, we are awash in television shows about wedding planners, wedding parties, wedding singers, and wedding crashers. There isn’t a day of cable TV programming that does not contain a gown show; a cake show or a show featuring brides of every persuasion---platinum, silver, and crass (oops, I meant brass). The shows keep coming, and we keep watching----but some of us forget one very important thing---it’s entertainment folks!
I am blessed to be the Wedding Coordinator for the Riverside Church in Manhattan—it’s an amazing place to exchange I do’s. With a wedding “high holy season” that extends from May to November, I have the privilege of ushering about 75 couples down the aisle each year. I must say that I truly enjoy most of them. It is an honor to share such a sacred moment with any couple. However, there is a very select group of brides who have embraced the “bridezilla” phenomenon with abandon, making them more than a little difficult to abide. As a wedding professional I am saddened, and as an etiquette coach I am often horrified by some of the behavior I see en route to the big day. So---- in defense of good manners and civility, I’d like to give brides and their significant others 11 simple thoughts for their wedding planning journey:
Thought #1 Bridezilla is a TV show---not a how-to manual. It, and shows like it, are meant to be provocative and over-dramatized---how else would they get you to tune in week after week? Enough said.
Thought #2 “I want what I want and I want it now!” is irritating when coming from the mouth of a five year old, and would probably elicit a good spanking. It is sad, boorish, and frankly unattractive coming from a full grown adult, and should elicit the same.
Thought #3 “It’s my day, and I can do and say whatever I want.” Ditto Thought #2.
Thought #4 Be realistic. Immeasurable wedding angst is created by the bride and groom who have unrealistic expectations. If you cannot afford something---face it, accept it, embrace a substitution, and move on. A Salisbury Steak budget cannot be magically turned into a Filet Mignon budget----I don’t care how much sleight of hand is employed.
Thought #5 It is a privilege to be asked to be a member of a wedding party. However, bridal attendants are not pin cushions, they are human beings. Choose them carefully and thoughtfully, and treat them with dignity, care and respect. Likewise, bridal party members should behave in a fashion to elicit the aforementioned. On both sides, ancient conflicts should be parked on the curb for the duration of wedding and wedding related festivities.
Thought #6 Keep the focus. A wedding is a public declaration of very sacred promises between two people, and should be treated with reverence. The substance of the day is not in the bridal fashion show; it is not in the floral arrangements, and it is not at the Viennese table. The days raison d’être is to celebrate two people exchanging pledges of lifelong love and honor. Without the promises, it’s a church service and a nice party.
Thought #7 Stress is part of real life. The stress of planning a wedding is not an excuse to browbeat, belittle, or humiliate family, friends and the people who are trying to help you, whether you are paying them or not. Personally, I’d be a little concerned about being tethered throughout eternity to someone who loses their humanity over planning a church service and a nice party.
Thought #8 Weddings are big business. We are influenced by powerful marketing, and are socialized at a very young age to want “the fairytale.” Sit down together as a couple, and discuss openly what your wedding means to you----prioritize what elements are most important, and the things that are less important. Be able to clearly articulate your vision, not the one in the latest bridal magazine. Do your homework when it comes to selecting vendors, a bargain isn’t always a bargain. True wedding professionals are worth their weight in gold, and will help you create the event of a lifetime---but even the best of the best are not mind readers.
Thought #9 Don’t be afraid to seek counsel. Pre-marital counseling is mandated by some denominations, but don’t be afraid to ask for additional help if you need guidance navigating family matters, stress, anger, and communication issues. Also - don’t underestimate the power of a good reiki session, yoga or aroma therapy. They can help ease the tensions within. It is okay to admit you are overwhelmed. It is not okay to set folks on fire with your tongue.
Thought #10 Don’t begin your new life together in a whirlwind of negative energy. A wedding is a snapshot in time, but it is also the spiritual gateway to a new universe---enter it with peace, joy and civility. Your off the grid behavior may wound a valued relationship in ways that can never be healed.
Thought #11 And last but certainly not least, life on terra firma today is litigious enough. You needn’t threaten to sue everyone you meet. The cake will not taste sweeter; the band will not play better. The ice will still melt. What you will do is succeed in alienating everyone in your midst--and incivility eclipses the beauty of any bride. You will not be the fairytale princess; you will be the wicked step sister who stole her tulle ball gown.
So, in this season of lovely flowers, and beautiful dresses, please remember that bad behavior might make for good TV, but the real people on the other side of that treatment are not at all entertained. In fact, I’m going to pitch a new show to all the cable networks; it’s called “How to behave like a well-adjusted adult on the most important day of your life.” -- I hope you’ll tune in.
I am blessed to be the Wedding Coordinator for the Riverside Church in Manhattan—it’s an amazing place to exchange I do’s. With a wedding “high holy season” that extends from May to November, I have the privilege of ushering about 75 couples down the aisle each year. I must say that I truly enjoy most of them. It is an honor to share such a sacred moment with any couple. However, there is a very select group of brides who have embraced the “bridezilla” phenomenon with abandon, making them more than a little difficult to abide. As a wedding professional I am saddened, and as an etiquette coach I am often horrified by some of the behavior I see en route to the big day. So---- in defense of good manners and civility, I’d like to give brides and their significant others 11 simple thoughts for their wedding planning journey:
Thought #1 Bridezilla is a TV show---not a how-to manual. It, and shows like it, are meant to be provocative and over-dramatized---how else would they get you to tune in week after week? Enough said.
Thought #2 “I want what I want and I want it now!” is irritating when coming from the mouth of a five year old, and would probably elicit a good spanking. It is sad, boorish, and frankly unattractive coming from a full grown adult, and should elicit the same.
Thought #3 “It’s my day, and I can do and say whatever I want.” Ditto Thought #2.
Thought #4 Be realistic. Immeasurable wedding angst is created by the bride and groom who have unrealistic expectations. If you cannot afford something---face it, accept it, embrace a substitution, and move on. A Salisbury Steak budget cannot be magically turned into a Filet Mignon budget----I don’t care how much sleight of hand is employed.
Thought #5 It is a privilege to be asked to be a member of a wedding party. However, bridal attendants are not pin cushions, they are human beings. Choose them carefully and thoughtfully, and treat them with dignity, care and respect. Likewise, bridal party members should behave in a fashion to elicit the aforementioned. On both sides, ancient conflicts should be parked on the curb for the duration of wedding and wedding related festivities.
Thought #6 Keep the focus. A wedding is a public declaration of very sacred promises between two people, and should be treated with reverence. The substance of the day is not in the bridal fashion show; it is not in the floral arrangements, and it is not at the Viennese table. The days raison d’être is to celebrate two people exchanging pledges of lifelong love and honor. Without the promises, it’s a church service and a nice party.
Thought #7 Stress is part of real life. The stress of planning a wedding is not an excuse to browbeat, belittle, or humiliate family, friends and the people who are trying to help you, whether you are paying them or not. Personally, I’d be a little concerned about being tethered throughout eternity to someone who loses their humanity over planning a church service and a nice party.
Thought #8 Weddings are big business. We are influenced by powerful marketing, and are socialized at a very young age to want “the fairytale.” Sit down together as a couple, and discuss openly what your wedding means to you----prioritize what elements are most important, and the things that are less important. Be able to clearly articulate your vision, not the one in the latest bridal magazine. Do your homework when it comes to selecting vendors, a bargain isn’t always a bargain. True wedding professionals are worth their weight in gold, and will help you create the event of a lifetime---but even the best of the best are not mind readers.
Thought #9 Don’t be afraid to seek counsel. Pre-marital counseling is mandated by some denominations, but don’t be afraid to ask for additional help if you need guidance navigating family matters, stress, anger, and communication issues. Also - don’t underestimate the power of a good reiki session, yoga or aroma therapy. They can help ease the tensions within. It is okay to admit you are overwhelmed. It is not okay to set folks on fire with your tongue.
Thought #10 Don’t begin your new life together in a whirlwind of negative energy. A wedding is a snapshot in time, but it is also the spiritual gateway to a new universe---enter it with peace, joy and civility. Your off the grid behavior may wound a valued relationship in ways that can never be healed.
Thought #11 And last but certainly not least, life on terra firma today is litigious enough. You needn’t threaten to sue everyone you meet. The cake will not taste sweeter; the band will not play better. The ice will still melt. What you will do is succeed in alienating everyone in your midst--and incivility eclipses the beauty of any bride. You will not be the fairytale princess; you will be the wicked step sister who stole her tulle ball gown.
So, in this season of lovely flowers, and beautiful dresses, please remember that bad behavior might make for good TV, but the real people on the other side of that treatment are not at all entertained. In fact, I’m going to pitch a new show to all the cable networks; it’s called “How to behave like a well-adjusted adult on the most important day of your life.” -- I hope you’ll tune in.
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