Ladies and gentlemen, it is wedding season once again. Weddings are truly wonderful, magical events--- replete with beautiful things to feast all five senses on---gowns, scenery, flowers, music and food---and we love to watch them. In fact, we are awash in television shows about wedding planners, wedding parties, wedding singers, and wedding crashers. There isn’t a day of cable TV programming that does not contain a gown show; a cake show or a show featuring brides of every persuasion---platinum, silver, and crass (oops, I meant brass). The shows keep coming, and we keep watching----but some of us forget one very important thing---it’s entertainment folks!
I am blessed to be the Wedding Coordinator for the Riverside Church in Manhattan—it’s an amazing place to exchange I do’s. With a wedding “high holy season” that extends from May to November, I have the privilege of ushering about 75 couples down the aisle each year. I must say that I truly enjoy most of them. It is an honor to share such a sacred moment with any couple. However, there is a very select group of brides who have embraced the “bridezilla” phenomenon with abandon, making them more than a little difficult to abide. As a wedding professional I am saddened, and as an etiquette coach I am often horrified by some of the behavior I see en route to the big day. So---- in defense of good manners and civility, I’d like to give brides and their significant others 11 simple thoughts for their wedding planning journey:
Thought #1 Bridezilla is a TV show---not a how-to manual. It, and shows like it, are meant to be provocative and over-dramatized---how else would they get you to tune in week after week? Enough said.
Thought #2 “I want what I want and I want it now!” is irritating when coming from the mouth of a five year old, and would probably elicit a good spanking. It is sad, boorish, and frankly unattractive coming from a full grown adult, and should elicit the same.
Thought #3 “It’s my day, and I can do and say whatever I want.” Ditto Thought #2.
Thought #4 Be realistic. Immeasurable wedding angst is created by the bride and groom who have unrealistic expectations. If you cannot afford something---face it, accept it, embrace a substitution, and move on. A Salisbury Steak budget cannot be magically turned into a Filet Mignon budget----I don’t care how much sleight of hand is employed.
Thought #5 It is a privilege to be asked to be a member of a wedding party. However, bridal attendants are not pin cushions, they are human beings. Choose them carefully and thoughtfully, and treat them with dignity, care and respect. Likewise, bridal party members should behave in a fashion to elicit the aforementioned. On both sides, ancient conflicts should be parked on the curb for the duration of wedding and wedding related festivities.
Thought #6 Keep the focus. A wedding is a public declaration of very sacred promises between two people, and should be treated with reverence. The substance of the day is not in the bridal fashion show; it is not in the floral arrangements, and it is not at the Viennese table. The days raison d’être is to celebrate two people exchanging pledges of lifelong love and honor. Without the promises, it’s a church service and a nice party.
Thought #7 Stress is part of real life. The stress of planning a wedding is not an excuse to browbeat, belittle, or humiliate family, friends and the people who are trying to help you, whether you are paying them or not. Personally, I’d be a little concerned about being tethered throughout eternity to someone who loses their humanity over planning a church service and a nice party.
Thought #8 Weddings are big business. We are influenced by powerful marketing, and are socialized at a very young age to want “the fairytale.” Sit down together as a couple, and discuss openly what your wedding means to you----prioritize what elements are most important, and the things that are less important. Be able to clearly articulate your vision, not the one in the latest bridal magazine. Do your homework when it comes to selecting vendors, a bargain isn’t always a bargain. True wedding professionals are worth their weight in gold, and will help you create the event of a lifetime---but even the best of the best are not mind readers.
Thought #9 Don’t be afraid to seek counsel. Pre-marital counseling is mandated by some denominations, but don’t be afraid to ask for additional help if you need guidance navigating family matters, stress, anger, and communication issues. Also - don’t underestimate the power of a good reiki session, yoga or aroma therapy. They can help ease the tensions within. It is okay to admit you are overwhelmed. It is not okay to set folks on fire with your tongue.
Thought #10 Don’t begin your new life together in a whirlwind of negative energy. A wedding is a snapshot in time, but it is also the spiritual gateway to a new universe---enter it with peace, joy and civility. Your off the grid behavior may wound a valued relationship in ways that can never be healed.
Thought #11 And last but certainly not least, life on terra firma today is litigious enough. You needn’t threaten to sue everyone you meet. The cake will not taste sweeter; the band will not play better. The ice will still melt. What you will do is succeed in alienating everyone in your midst--and incivility eclipses the beauty of any bride. You will not be the fairytale princess; you will be the wicked step sister who stole her tulle ball gown.
So, in this season of lovely flowers, and beautiful dresses, please remember that bad behavior might make for good TV, but the real people on the other side of that treatment are not at all entertained. In fact, I’m going to pitch a new show to all the cable networks; it’s called “How to behave like a well-adjusted adult on the most important day of your life.” -- I hope you’ll tune in.
